I got my first ever advice-related question in the other day. I’m been grueling over the answer to this impeccably simple question. Until I decided I’d answer here, publicly – hopefully you don’t mind – but I’m sure there is someone else out there needing advice on the same thing. I am grateful you chose me, however, so thank you!
Question: How do I deal with breaking up with a guy that I was never really with?
Now, look…this is silly, It always feels silly caring about a non-existent break up with a pseudo-boyfriend. But we’ve all been there! It’s stupid, and you’re probably telling yourself that, but it doesn’t change the fact that your feelings are hurt.
Photo Cred: Tumblr
You meet someone, they seem like they are on the fast track (or some sort of track) heading to the mysterious monogamous, relationship-label land. Day by day you are falling for this person, and BOOM, for reasons unbeknownst to you, it’s over! The text fade-out (even tho they consistently post something on _any of the multitude of social networking sites), and then the physical fade-out, etc. It can royally suck.
But the truth is we live in an age where casual hook-ups, serial daters and the like are all embraced. As well as deferring serious and/or monogamous relationships for as long as possible. So we find ourselves breaking up with people we were never really with, because to you it was something, but to them it was a mere extended hook-up-ship. Even if the situation didn’t get that far, it’s still a bummer to have to reset your feelings.
The surface-level relationship – very vague definitions of what you are, plan things and communicate like you are in a relationship but never actually place a title on it. Finding out there’s someone else in the picture shouldn’t be a big deal. But it is. When feelings start to form, it always is.
So, what should you do when they exit stage left? Date someone else.
Non-comparatively find someone else to fill in the free space. Let’s think about it, you barely knew him anyway, so it’s not like you really know what you liked about him, you just liked him. The world holds plenty of possibilities, yea, some of them are duds, but not all of them are. Just keep pushing, Gem.
Photo Cred: Tumblr
Of course, if you need to, cry. Spend sometime sulking about it, but not too long. Move it along. As much as you may want it, a pity party is so unnecessary.
Replace that surface-level r’ship with another one, until you find the one that plants a blossoming flower into your life. Withhold a few of your vulnerabilities, take your time to get to know someone before you run in unarmed. This is just adding another layer of armor you’re growing to assist in making you a better dater/person.
“The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” – That’s what they say, anyway.